I took my friends, Pat & Maurene to the surgeon’s appointment on June 28th. We met Dr. G and Jane.  Dr. G explained that when it came to breast cancer surgery there were only 2 options: lumpectomy or mastectomy. He also explained that radiation (follows lumpectomy) and an oral medication would be part of the treatment plan. He explained both surgical options and then asked me what I wanted to do. So I asked him for his opinion and he said he didn’t want to influence me either way. Seriously? Well I thought that was a little odd, isn’t that your job (no liability issues I guess). How the heck should “I” know what to do, it’s been like a minute!

I told him that I was always of the mindset that “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” so I opted for lumpectomy (it’s a dot). He said I was a very good candidate for that – oh, ok good to know (I would later read, in my generic white breast cancer binder, that in MANY cases a lumpectomy is just as successful in preventing recurrence as a mastectomy – didn’t know that). He asked me if I had any plans I needed to work around in July and I said NO, let’s do this asap. So surgery was scheduled five days later, July 3rd. I thought perfect – I would celebrate the 4th of July being cancer free! A little poetic I thought, Independence Day.

So they set me up with pre-op appointments that afternoon and sent me home with a large white 3-ring binder of information on breast cancer. SERIOUSLY – I have stickin’ breast cancer and you send me home with a generic white binder in a little carrying bag? It had a black & white picture of 4 women on the front of it. SERIOUSLY, that’s the best you could do????? I didn’t need it blinged out buuuutttttt it could have had a bit more thought put into it! (p.s. working on that – LOL)

One of the more difficult times during this process was when I had to tell my kids. Jason (27) was strong and encouraging. We were sitting at his house and I just starting crying. He said, “mom, it’s going to be OK”! It’s hard having your kids tell YOU that it’s going to be OK – that’s my job to be telling them.

Amie(23) was much harder. I showed up at her place unannounced and she knew something was wrong. I don’t drive up to see her during the week (1 hour away). When I told her what was going on we both just cried. When she asked me “Mom, I just don’t get it, why is this happening”? I told her I had nooooo idea, but THIS I know for SURE . . . “God will not give us more than we can handle, and He gave ME a dot!!” That is truly how I feel. It soooo stinks that I have to go through this and it soooo stinks that Breast Cancer will now be part of my life and it soooo stinks that when Amie gets older she will be asked at her check-ups “do you have any family history of breast cancer”, now she has to say yes. That breaks my heart.

Soooooo you never know what your path in life is going to look like. You have a plan, an idea, a dream and then it doesn’t quite go the way you were thinking. A bit of a detour, a bend in the road . . . just take a breath and move forward, one day at a time. Here we go . . . . . this is the beginning of my “It’s a Dot” journey.

I finally made that “yearly” check up appointment with the doctor the first part of June. Did the whole physical thing – blood test thing, mammogram thing . . . all of it. My blood test results came back great . . . cholesterol good, even my vitamin D was good . . . women make sure you have your vitamin D levels checked, especially as we get older. I received a phone call regarding my mammogram. They wanted me to come back in for a 2nd one. When I went in and asked “why” the second one, they showed me a very small area on the Xray (magnified a ton) and told me it was calcium deposits “huuuhhhh” . . . evidently calcium deposits from our milk ducts are quite normal in women “my age” . . . seriously my age . . ok, so anywho they took more pictures and told me I needed a biopsy. I just started crying. OMG . . . what????

One week later I was having a biopsy. The doctor had told me that sometimes the mammograms can’t see through the calcium deposits so they request a biopsy to make sure there is nothing else there. OK, well that made me feel a little better. Let me just say that I am a total woos. One of my dear friends took me to the biopsy appointment and waited for me while the procedure was going on – the actual procedure only took about 5 min. but the whole appointment  took an hour and 1/2. (Thanks Pat!)

Five days later I got the call, “I’m sorry to tell you this but we found cancer cells”. Wow, I was just shocked. I was driving back to work from lunch and I just didn’t “get it”. How is this even possible? What did she just say? Oh my word, this just can’t be real! It felt very surreal . . . I could hear the words coming through the phone but it was not making sense. I am a pretty healthy person and haven’t had any health problems, no breast cancer in my family. I just sat in the parking lot at work and cried. It was sooo overwhelming.

I went home and about an hour later Jane, a nurse called me from the surgeon’s office to set up an appointment. She told me the biopsy had removed a 1.5mm cell (hence the dot) of invasive carcinoma grade 1 (well defined cancer cell) and  high grade ductal carcinoma in situ (pre-cancer cells). Biopsies are graded from 1-3 depending on the findings from the pathology report (3=angry). The cancer  “stage” is determined after the pathology report from the surgery. I actually felt a little relieved. The cancer cell was just a grade 1 & contained – not bad – that was the lowest grade.  A dot – seriously . . . it’s a dot, no biggey, right?!. . . well then she set up the appointment for a consultation with one of the  surgeons to discuss lumpectomy or mastectomy. Woooooough! Uhhhhhh . . . it’s a dot! My surgeon would be Dr. G (that’s what I’m calling him) and my consultation was set up for June 28th . . . . to be continued.

Soooooo  . . . I just got back from having a bone density test and a blood test (information for the medical oncologist) and while I was waiting I realized that I have taken my top off for more men in the last 30 days than I have for the past 15 years!!! (yes, I’m laughing at myself, Denise!)

So I will start over from the beginning but for today . . . I’m meeting with the Radiation Oncologist to discuss my treatment. I have 2 good friends coming with me because 6 ears are better than 2. I’m just praying that it won’t be a long treatment (they call it radiation therapy . . . does that sound better???? LOL), but I’ve been told it’s an everyday visit,  same time everyday and could be for 5 weeks.  Uck . . . not looking forward to that. But the sooner it begins the sooner I move forward. As bad as it was to hear the words Breast Cancer . . . there have certainly been blessings in the midst of this . . . to be continued.

You know we all experience hardships in our lives. Some worse than others. Sometimes it seems like life throws us a curve ball out of no where. Well the curve ball came into my life a little over a month ago “Breast Cancer”. Those are not the words you want coming out of your doctors mouth. I have seen specialists (still seeing specialists) and have undergone surgery. It was suggested to me to journal this time in my life to help me process everything. So I hope you don’t mind but over the next few weeks I will be sharing this journey with you. I do appreciate all of your prayers and support. God is good and He will see me through this.

You know I’ve never been a fan of waiting. I actually hate waiting. Waiting leaves me feeling like I have absolutely no control. I don’t consider myself a control freak, BUT having control does bring me a sense of security, a sense of knowing what to expect. Well waiting kind of ranks up there for me like having patience. I’m not a big fan of having patience either. Waiting means I have to be patient, that I have no control, that I don’t have a choice, that I HAVE to wait.

Well I had a bit of an epiphany yesterday. In some circumstances waiting can be a choice. In one of my first posts on my blog I spoke about “choice” seeming to be a common thread in my life this year. Well yet again, choice has reared its head. A couple months ago a dear friend of mine told me to look up Psalm 27:14 in the Bible. It says, “Wait on the Lord, let your heart take courage, wait on the Lord”. I wrote it down & stuck it to my bathroom mirror and that’s where it’s been for the last 8 weeks, until yesterday morning when I threw it in the trash. I threw it in the trash because I had enough waiting. I was discouraged and felt like I deserved an answer to my waiting. Last night I realized that I was the only one who had a deadline to “my” waiting. God doesn’t have deadlines. He tells us to pray unceasingly.

I realized that “for me”, “for now”, waiting IS a choice. Whether you are waiting for a job, a relationship, a medical diagnosis, a financial windfall, there are some things we have no control over. However, we can control how we choose to react to our “waiting”. I realized that in the “waiting” you still have hope. While you’re waiting, you’re hoping and hoping is not a bad place to be.

So, last night I took that Psalm 27:14 note out of my trash, stuck it back on my bathroom mirror and I drew a happy face on it . . . ’cause I love waiting!! LOL

Retail Therapy

ahhhhhhh . . . . nothing like a little retail therapy to lift your spirits! “Home Goods” is probably my all time favorite place to shop for unique and fair priced treasures. We have a new “Home Goods” about an hour away that recently opened.  (There is also one about 10 minutes from my house.)  I met my daughter up at the new one, did a little shopping and took her to lunch.  It was funny because I was telling her how great this was, she’s out of college now, on her own, working full time and we were just 2 women out having a good time together. When the bill came at lunch and I paid, Amie said “whewwww, I was afraid your little 2 women shopping talk meant you weren’t going to pay for lunch . . . besides you ARE still my mother.” Geeze Louise! LOL She just cracks me up sometimes!

Summer weather is here and the Outdoor Concerts have begun. We have a few venues that host free concerts during the summer. Just grab your camping chair and some food. Always a good time with friends.

Note to self: Next time you (me) decide to put together a ping pong table by yourself . . . . wear gloves, good gloves!!! OUCH . . 20 screws into the 52 needed and a huge blister . . . the directions said NOT to use the electric drill . . . realllyyyyyy!!  And the last 32 screws  . . . . still on the floor!

I just finished reading this book called “The Circle Maker” (project for work). It was about prayer and how sometimes we just don’t pray “big enough”.  That if our prayers aren’t “impossible” to us, they are insulting to God. Because if our prayers are not “impossible” to us, they don’t require divine intervention. The book says “there is nothing God loves more than keeping promises, answering prayers, performing miracles, and fulfilling dreams.” The book goes on to say “the greatest tragedy in life is the prayers that go unanswered because they go unasked.”

So it got me thinking on how “big” are some of my prayers. Do I have an “impossible prayer” that would require divine intervention. Do you have an “impossible” prayer?  Sometimes life hands us unexpected struggles. But it’s important to remember to look for the everyday gifts/blessings in life, especially when we’re facing what looks to be a negative situation.

I’ve said before that I don’t believe in coincidences.  Looking back on some of the “choices/decisions” I’ve made, good and bad, have all led me to where I am at this moment. And at 53 years old I get to “choose” how I want the rest of my life to look. All situations give us a chance to choose and sometimes not choosing is STILL a decision. But all the choices have made me stronger and at times have stretched me beyond my comfort zone.   You never know what is around the corner . . . . So pray an “impossible” prayer!

 It’s probably not necessary to go wayyyyy back, so let’s start with now. I am a 53 years young, divorced (many years) mom of 2 great kids. My son is 27 years old & my daughter is 23. They are both out on their own forging through life as successful, functioning adults . . . a mother’s dream!

I hope that my blog and my experiences will encourage you & give you hope. Our journey through life can be unpredictable at times but KNOW that if you are a believer in Christ, HE will always have your best interest at heart! (Even when things don’t make sense!)

Toodles